The tango is a social dance and has its protocol. There exists a list of unwritten codes and customs from more than a century ago that respond to an essential logic in order to integrate into the tango community. I’m not certain the codes are that old, but they have been around for a long time and passed on.
A man cannot invite a woman to dance if she is seated at the table with a man unless that man leaves the table to dance with another woman. The woman in this case is “private property.” This change in code has occurred over the last few years with the increase in foreign couples who sit together, but who want to dance with others. It is still uncommon among older Argentines who respect the code: No one bothers a couple seated together in a milonga because they are there to dance together.
Nor can one approach the table of the woman to invite her to dance. From where you are sitting or standing you should make a nod, which is called “cabeceo”, and if she accepts, only then can you approach to dance. She should never go to his table. This practice will avoid the public refusal and is a democratic way to compete for the dancers. Women are aware of the codes. Some will accept a verbal invitation when they don’t know how to refuse it politely; others will ignore it. Some will make a point of greeting a man at his table while passing by — their way of lining up tandas for the night. Men who invite women with a verbal invitation at the table don’t know how to dance.
The couples dance counter-clockwise around the floor, and the man walks forward without colliding with other couples. The progressive movement down the line of dance is not always forward for the man. It is common for men to dance facing the tables, so they progress sideways as well.
The lanes of dance are invisible. The more experienced are on the edge, and beginners are in the middle because they hinder circulation. There are no lane lines on the dance floor, but it is easy to see there are at least two outer lanes moving around the dance floor while others stay in the center.
A single woman always goes to the milonga alone or with friends; never accompanied by a man. Men and women often leave the milonga separately. If arranged, they can meet at the corner or in a bar. It is standard procedure for singles to leave the milonga as they arrive–alone. If a man and woman want to meet afterwards, the man leaves the milonga first and waits for her to arrive at a pre-arranged location.
Although a couple may have a relationship, no demonstrations of affection are made in the milonga. Couples have to show restraint in the milonga.
Women do not invite men to dance, but that code is disappearing in the informal milongas. Bold invitations to men are being made by foreign as well as local women. Men are gentleman and will accept, but many have told me how they hate being approached by women to dance, especially in traditional milongas.
If an orchestra plays at a milonga, no one dances the first tango. This isn’t that important to know in advance, since it will be obvious. The writer thought it was worth mentioning.
Do not talk or chew gum while dancing. Even worse is wearing your cell phone. In general, there is time between dances to talk. Hallelujah! I’m all for no talking on the floor. Not only did I see a man wearing his cell phone while dancing, he answered the call. He didn’t notice that he bumped into the couple behind. My partner and I couldn’t believe it. He just kept on dancing with the cell in his left hand. Worst of all, he is someone who teaches.
One dances the entire tanda with the same person. If one of them does not want to continue, he or she excuses themself by saying “thank you.” The man accompanies the woman off the floor near her table. It doesn’t happen often, and it is usually the woman who doesn’t want to finish the tanda because she is uncomfortable.
Women should wait for the man to embrace first, as he decides when to start moving. What he means is women wait for the man to offer his left hand indicating he is ready to dance. A man can only embrace a woman when she has taken his hand and positioned her left arm around him. The man decides when the dance begins.
There is an unwritten code: no one dances until they have proven they know how to dance. Nobody wants to make a fool of themselves. Men ask each other, “how does she dance?” Women do the same. This is a way to ensure that it won’t be a bad experience. There are some who are so eager they will dance with anyone before they have seen them on the floor. They learn by trial and error.